I said it but I didn't really say it
I said the "F" word today. Twice.
I had decided to get some light exercise during my lunch break, just to get my blood moving. I got myself all set up on a stationary bike and put my ear buds in, only to discover that the wifi at the gym wasn't working. I asked a couple of employees about it, but no one knew what the problem was, and in my estimation they simply weren't taking it seriously enough. The young woman behind the counter just looked at me blankly, looked at her phone and then said, "Huh. It's working for me."
I got back on the bike, but I couldn't conceive of "doing my time" without music or watching a video or something. Then a young man who worked at the gym came over and asked me if I was still having trouble, and I explained to him that I could get all the other networks in the area, but not the one for the gym. He looked at his phone. "Huh," he said, "it's working for me."
I could feel my irritation rising and that irritation gave birth to thoughts about how what I need is important, and what kind of a gym can't figure out how to diagnose their own wifi issues, and how am I supposed to get through my workout without it and that's when the "F" word happened.
I said it quietly, to myself, but the spirit of the "F" word was upon me.
I was doing it but I wasn't really doing it
Riding the bike was supposed to distract me from my lunch-less lunch hour. Wifi was the means to distract me from the bike. I justified it because I usually listen to worship music, or study Italian, watch a video by Joyce Meyer, or Jordan Peterson, or watch a YouTube episode of The Bible Project. It's not like I'm watching Fifty Shades of Grey or Cupcake Wars. I use my time at the gym to learn and study.
The problem was, I wasn't supposed to be learning and studying. I was supposed to be fasting and praying. And that means not engaging in busy-ness as a way to compensate for a lack of chewing. (I miss chewing.)
On day two of this fast, I dealt with getting toxins out of my body. Then I dealt with denying myself food and drink, then social interaction, and now here I am arriving at another level: giving up the activities that I use to distract myself from fully experiencing this fast.
I got it but I wasn't really getting it
I feel like I am trapped in a room all alone with no one to talk to and nothing to do.
Kinda the point. No bike during lunch, fasting. No wifi to hear about God from others, but prayer to hear from God directly. And definitely no F word.
So after six days, I feel like I am ready to begin.